“Am I Crazy?”
By Brenda Stephens, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
In my work as a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery therapist, I see one pattern constantly.
Survivors don’t usually come in saying, “I’m being emotionally abused.”
They come in saying:
“I can’t tell what’s real anymore.”
“I keep replaying the conversation.”
“I have screenshots, but I still doubt myself.”
“I feel embarrassed that I’m even confused.”
That confusion is not random. It’s often the point.
This is what I want to talk about today: gaslighting, what it actually is, how to spot it, and how to ground yourself back into reality without needing the other person to admit anything.
What gaslighting is (in plain language)
Gaslighting is psychological manipulation that makes you doubt your perceptions, memories, or understanding of events. That definition sounds simple but the lived experience is not.
Gaslighting is rarely one big dramatic lie. It’s usually a pattern of small distortions that add up until you start questioning your own mind.
And once you’re in that place, you work harder and harder to prove your perception and reality. You explain more, you apologize more, you try to be “better” so the relationship stops feeling so unstable.
That’s why gaslighting is so effective.
It is not just “miscommunication”
Sometimes people genuinely remember things differently. Sometimes someone is defensive. Sometimes you have conflict.
Gaslighting is different because it has a consistent outcome:
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You walk away feeling foggy, guilty, and responsible for fixing everything.
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You start doubting yourself more than you doubt them.
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You stop trusting your instincts.
That is the system and the goal of the gaslighter.
The 5 signs people miss
1) The facts disappear as soon as you get specific
You bring up something concrete and suddenly the conversation becomes about your character.
You: “You said you’d be home at 6.”
Them: “I never said that. You always twist things.”
If you bring proof, they pivot to attacking your tone, intention, or your “issues.”
What you learn is: facts don’t matter.
2) Your feelings become “proof,” according to them, that you’re unreliable
You react like a normal person and your emotional response becomes the evidence against you.
“You’re being dramatic.”
“You’re unstable.”
“You always overreact.”
This is one of the most damaging parts. You start trying to have zero emotion so you won’t be dismissed, then you get criticized for being cold. It’s a trap.
3) They rewrite your intentions, not just your words
You say: “I felt dismissed.”
They say: “You just want to start a fight.”
Or: “You’re trying to control me.”
When someone insists they know your motive better than you do, you start losing your footing inside your own mind.
4) They act confused, offended, or wounded when you name the pattern
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Wow, that’s a serious accusation.”
“I can’t believe you’d say that about me.”
Notice how quickly the focus shifts from what happened to what’s “wrong with you” for bringing it up. You become the problem for noticing the problem.
5) You start gathering proof just to feel sane
This is the one survivors often feel ashamed of, but it’s important.
If you’ve started:
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screenshotting messages
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writing timelines
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rehearsing conversations
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asking friends to confirm you’re not “crazy”
That does not mean you’re irrational. It often means you’re adapting to an environment where the ground keeps moving.
Your Notes app becomes your attorney. Not because you’re dramatic, but because you’re trying to stay oriented.
How to prove it to yourself (without needing their confession)
Here’s the hard truth: most gaslighters do not admit it. Waiting for accountability is how people lose years, literally. So we don’t focus on proving it to them, we focus on stabilizing reality for you.
The 3-line Reality Check
Open a note app and write three lines.
1) Observable facts (no interpretation):
“He said he would call at 7. He didn’t call. At 9 he texted, ‘You never told me 7.’”
2) Body response:
“Tight chest. Nausea. Urge to explain myself.”
3) Pattern:
“Agreement → denial → attack my credibility.”
That third line is the key. Gaslighting is a pattern problem, not a one time event problem.
The green flag test
Ask yourself: If I brought this to a healthy person, what would happen?
Healthy responses sound like:
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“I can see why you’re upset.”
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“I remember it differently, but I want to understand.”
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“Let’s clear it up.”
Gaslighting responses sound like:
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“You’re making things up.”
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“You’re too emotional to talk to.”
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“You always do this.”
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“You need help.”
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“You’re acting crazy.”
Scripts that stop the spin
You do not need to litigate your reality.
Try:
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“I’m not debating my reality.”
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“I’m not discussing my character. I’m discussing what happened.”
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“We’re not going to agree, so I’m ending this conversation.”
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“I’m taking a break. We can revisit later.”
If this is co-parenting or unavoidable contact, keep it short and documentable:
“Per our message Tuesday, pickup is 5:00 pm. Please confirm.”
What healing can look like
Healing from gaslighting is not just “thinking positively” or “getting better at communication.”
It’s rebuilding self-trust.
That usually includes:
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Naming what happened
Putting language to distortion, denial, and credibility attacks helps your nervous system stop gaslighting itself. -
Tracking patterns instead of arguing details
Details will always be debated. Patterns tell the truth. -
Regulating the body, not just the story
Confusion lives in the nervous system. Grounding, breath, movement, and containment are not extras. They are part of the treatment plan. -
Practicing reality with safe people
Safe relationships strengthen reality-testing. Isolation weakens it.
Nothing about you is “too much” or “not enough.” Your system adapted to survive chronic distortion. The work now is helping your mind and body return to stability.
If this spoke to you
We specialize in working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, especially people who have been trained to doubt themselves in relationships.
You can learn more or connect with us through NarcTrauma.com, and you can listen to more conversations like this on my podcast Two Queens and a Joker: My Narcissist’s Ex and Me.
Work with us
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Therapy, groups, and intensives
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Contact & waitlist
Trauma Toolbox app
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Guided grounding, micro-practices, body resets, and crisis-calming audio in under five minutes
Podcast
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Real talk about recovery, parenting, and rebuilding a life you actually want
About Brenda Stephens, LPCC
I help survivors of narcissistic abuse rebuild clarity, boundaries, and self-trust. You can learn more and find support at NarcTrauma.com.
References
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American Psychological Association. “Gaslight.” APA Dictionary of Psychology.
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Sweet, P. L. (2019). The Sociology of Gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843
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Bellomare, M., et al. (2024). Gaslighting Exposure During Emerging Adulthood. (Open-access article).
